900 Dollar Robocop Statue

I got really excited when I saw this. For 900 dollars, I thought this bad boy would be life sized and ready to scare the shit out of any potential intruders in your house. Unfortunately, it’s only 20 inches tall. At this size and price, I’m going to go ahead and classify this as a giant waste of fucking money.


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1 year ago

Skull Drinking Glass

I don’t ever want to see you with two hands grasping this cup and pouring diet coke into your awkwardly opened mouth hole. Buy real cups, idiot.


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1 year ago 5 notes

Glowing Outdoor LED Cube

I don’t know if you’re supposed to sit on it, put drinks on it or gather around it and let it teach you how to use primitive weapons like the monkeys in 2001: A Space Odyssey. One thing is for certain. That is the fact that you are quite the suburban asshole and this bullshit ass cube would look amazing in your suburban asshole backyard.


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1 year ago

LEGO Taj Mahal

Are you the type of person that likes to build replicas of famous buildings? If so, I would like to poison you. Also, this bullshit LEGO set will probably make you really happy.


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1 year ago 2 notes

Beer Holster

This is one of those gifts that turns out better for the giver than the receiver. When you unwrap it for the first time, everyone present comments on how funny it is and how the gift giver is hilarious. Then, the next time you go to a cookout, you try to actually wear it. You end up looking like an asshole and your grandmother has to pull you aside and tell you to chill the fuck out. You lose.


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1 year ago 1 note

Motorola Fluid, the flexible phone

Before you get all worked up and start humping my leg, this is just a concept design. It appears to be a touch screen that can bend into a completely circular ring. I’m tickled by the many different advantages a circular cell phone would have…all zero of them.


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1 year ago 1 note

Nike T-Shirt Gun

It’s a gun. A gun that shoots t-shirts. Pro-Tip: Any gun that will shoot t-shirts is a gun that will shoot flaming t-shirts.


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1 year ago 1 note

See Through Glass Pool Table

This pool table will get you chicks. All you have to do is convince one of them to accompany your creepy ass to your sketchy home and let them get one glance of this dope ass pool table. Piece of cake.


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1 year ago 7 notes

Inflatable Floating Beer Pong Table

Just drink the beer. You don’t need an excuse. No one buys the “the ball landed in my cup so I have to drink it” bullshit. You know full well that your alcoholic ass was going to drink it anyway.


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1 year ago 8 notes

Giant Ass Scrabble Board

Twelve Thousand Dollars. That’s how much this giant Scrabble board costs. If you know anyone that owns one of these, please give me their address so I can go spell punch on their face.


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1 year ago 1 note

Zombie Apocalypse Survival Kit

Apparently, this kit was featured on The Walking Dead. This is basically a big bag of knives. To me, it seems more like a regular apocalypse survival kit. You know…the more digging in the woods and trying to trap and eat squirrels kind of apocalypse. To truly be ready for constant zombie combat you’re going to need actual weapons like guns and flame throwers.


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1 year ago 4 notes

Silver Chainsaw Necklace

If you’re like me, then you like pretending to be normal when you meet new people and then surprising them with your batshit insanity when they least expect it. If you like to drop clues beforehand, this chainsaw necklace on Etsy is great. It is probably one of the most adorable ways to subtly tell others that you have a chemical imbalance.


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1 year ago 6 notes

Portal LED Turret

I was excited when I saw this online but then I realized it was just a miniature toy. When the hell are we going to get some actual turrets that I can set up around my house to shoot at intruders? That is the life I want. I do not want this stupid little desk toy and you shouldn’t either unless you’re some kind of geek or something.


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1 year ago 7 notes

You Killed Kenny Doorstop

Let’s be honest here. This is a doorstop for white people. If you are white, you will probably love this shit. The only bad part about this door stop is that you are going to have to make it yourself. Since most of you aren’t handy with arts and crafts, your version will not look cute like this one. It will look disgusting and unless you are delusional you will be embarrassed to show it to your friends and family.


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1 year ago 6 notes

Handgun Door Handle Set

I guess this is like a door knob only instead of turning to open the door, you pull the trigger. If I show up to your house and you have one of these, I’m just leaving. I’m not even going to say goodbye. I will just walk the fuck away and never come back.


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1 year ago 10 notes